Sometimes, i am not sure what i missed more. Those are the days long gone //

A short winter, my first real winter, and my ever-bounce-back throwbacks forever.

Oh well, all i can do now is to look forward to my next visit, one day.

Dec 2015 - Mar 2016 | Vermont

The aquarium fish is gone. In fact they are all gone since a few months ago and i didn't even notice that. And they are the little peacock fishes that my dad breed and feed. I remember sometimes, we will sit at the stair steps and admire them. How they can swim endlessly in circle around our little 24 inch long aquarium, trapped. And how sometimes we neglected them but dad will always remember to fed them and even clean the aquarium regularly. It has always been dad's work. And now. No more.

When my mum told me over the phone that the fishes died out of hunger and they are going to move the aquarium away, i swear i didn't cry but my eyes went all sore right away. The first thought that strikes is i don't want this change, the aquarium reminds me of my father so so much. I like the noise, the splashing sound from the aquarium. And those spectacular turbulence flow they created and even how my sister makes weird noises around the aquarium and literally play with the fishes for hours. And how my dad will lecture her on that habit and she still do it again the next day. I don't want to miss the feeling where you are all alone in the house but you know the fishes are with you. It's different.

Yet.

I realize how versatile life can be. One moment you have this and the next moment they are gone. How the group of friends changes and you might shift around like sand, wondering where you belong. Sometimes, looking at the ones you called as close friends moving on and having fun without you, you can't help but feel a pang of hurt. Th only thing you can do is shrug it off because you know you shouldn't feel that way. Being all 'carefree' and flexible and busy. Being all grown up. And you wall up. Yea. It rhymes.

So conclusion? Shucks. I'm just feeling not well tonight. I guess they shouldn't dispose the aquarium. It's making me very melancholy. And the song Amnesia by 5SOS. Now look at the essay and theory that i've came up with their decision. Oops indeed.

Good night.

" 一邊說無所謂 一邊卻淚流滿面
面具底下 我們都是自己的傀儡 "

We sometimes said never mind, but inside, our face is wet with tears.
All because we are fools under our mask.

韋禮安 & 面具

作詞：韋禮安
作曲：韋禮安

Because when you grow up, you wear different masks and facades as you go around. You never foreseen yourself as someone who smiles when she's heartwrecked; who hide away when complication strikes; who try to be okay when she is not ok; who wants to please the world even when she's broken inside. Someone who seeks perfection but she's not.

Because simply, you feel safe behind the mask. :)

Hello there, my name is Sam and I'm a third year student taking Chemical Engineering in Curtin Sarawak. Back in primary and secondary school, my ambition is to be a teacher, like my handsome superman Apa-dad. And then the time came when i need to make a choice. Apa said: "try A-Levels" so that one day i can get a degree overseas (and travel) and one year later, I found myself completely lost on a crossroad. Apa looked at me in the eyes and said: "it's okay as long as you did your best". You see, he never lose hope in me. But is that my best?

In the following year, I worked as a part timer in Dell for 3 months and got a glimpse of what it's like to be in the working world. I admit, it's boring to be stuck in that daily routine. I looked at Apa and Ama and wondered, how can they live for more than half of their life doing 'the routine'? I quickly put that thought at the back of my mind and in 2011 July, I found myself enrolled in Curtin University, flew across South China Sea and stepped foot on the land of Borneo. I am not an adventurous person or a risk taker. I like to play safe and insured in the grounds i'm familiar with. And so this is one of the boldest move i've ever did back then and i know i wouldn't have done it without Apa's faith in me. Plus the money of course.

In an effort to shake off 'the routine', I started to open up and participate in clubs and activities and this that and made acquaintances and true friends and even left a little red mark in Curtin. My ambition-turned-aspiration is to become a lecturer now. I reported these 'paranormal activities' to Apa and he said: "go ahead as long as you can handle your studies". But I did not. My academic was affected and I started to get less than 5 hours of sleep everyday. Finally semester break came. I went home and I show Apa my result. His handsome face tells me he was worried but he said: "as long as you do your best". I felt awful. That's not my best if i've focused more on my studies instead of curricular activities. I told myself i'll do better next semester and without realising it, I've made myself a routine of 'next time'. Next time I'll clear my table. Next time I'll cook for Apa. Next time I'll make my scrapbook. Next time I'll blog. And the list goes on everyday.  Time flies and everytime i went back home, i found new wrinkles and white hair on Apa and Ama's face.

In August 2013, in campus, in the middle of an event i organized and when i was 3677 kilometres away from home. I received a call from Ama about cancer and scientific words and 4th stage and operation and things i do not comprehend and... about Apa. When I put the phone down, I actually thought i will break down the next second. I do not understand, deny to understand it but my mind has pre-processed the information and at that moment I knew. I remember I took deep long breathes to refrained myself from crying as I carried on that night, behind a cheerful and i'm-okay complexion. A long night and the event was successful. "Be strong, show Apa your smile". But i cried when i walked home alone anyway. I imagined life without him and I couldn't wait to hop on the earliest flight available to be by his side. I dread for what's coming next.

The next day, I flew to my family and we waited outside of the operation room, anxiously. Nobody was crying (at least i'm not) because imagine, Apa was joking and smiling when he entered the operation theater. He said: "don't worry i'll come out soon.". He did. The operation successfully removed a big load of the tumour from his spinal cord region but the thing is still there, inside, spreading. But what's matter is, it is a miracle and Apa is back with limited time. And that's when i know days are numbered.

I am lucky to be my dear Apa's daughter. He's the father, the best friend, the  gamer, the boss, the teacher, the joker, the silencer, the travel companion and fundraiser, the fan, the supporter, the know-it-all-genius and my role model. Always. After the operation, I start to tell him I love you. I start calling home often. I start to prioritize. I start going home frequently during tuition break and spend more time with family. I also start taking more pictures of him and us and moments. I treasure every second spent with him and to make him glow and happy was on my check list everyday. And time to time Apa will go for check up and it was always good news. He was recovering so well yet, suffering endless pain that he hid so well.

Time was not on my side. Ten months after the detection, Apa passed away. It was really unexpected because he was only doing his usual check up and therapy at that time. One week earlier I was by his side in the hospital and i even remembered he scolded me in his gentle way for not feeding him properly in the hospital before I flew back to Miri for studies. But the next thing i knew is everything changed too soon. I could have crumbled up like a piece of paper without my friends and family support. I lost him afterall.

Throughout the wake i manage to put a smile on my face, i didn't even cry because the tear duct wasn't operating at all. We put on our armour for the upcoming battle. Ama is fierce and strong. Achun is heartbroken yet strong. Amei don't understand what's going on but she is strong. Tzehui doesn't show how she feels but she is strong. We became the ones to comfort groups and individuals who miss him in that five days. And I see then how many people's heart Apa had touched in his life. They are students, not-his-student-but-Apa-inspired-him/her, colleagues, comrades, friends, classmates and more and more. He had leave his legacy in this land, and it slowly spreads with me and my siblings and his students and even random people who respects him. I almost thought he's a superstar, because, he is.

My dear superstar Apa, it's Mooncake Festival today. 3 months have passed and I believe you're in a better place now. I miss you. We are doing fine, and i like to think that you're still here with us. I guess you are really smart afterall for leaving your last words in your phone back in August 2013. I got your message Apa. I will be great. I love you.

Doubt that possibility because of fear. Because of afraid to lose it. because you plan to settle for last. 
And it says, I don't have the courage to take the risk. That's because risk is higher than reward (business principle) :(


and i couldn't agree more.when you open your heart up...

YOU MIGHT THINK that you're really really reeeeally BUSY and out of breath at times. "yea, i'm very busy, no time sleep lah." or "i didn't sleep last night, too many things to do :(" or "i'm not going to bed tonight until i finish up my stuff " and the worst: "aiya, must complete this la, due tomorrow T^T "

Especially when you have countless of deadlines and responsibilities in your hands. and especially when your to-do-list drags for a page full and more and more and more. and not to mention after you have just thrown away a few major events that you organized for this year and you're finally sitting down to take your breath. and then you realized: finals is just 3 weeks away! so.

Seriously. it's all time management. so many "stuff" or "things" to do meh!? see, you're here, reading my senseless blog instead of doing your first thing on your to-do-list. perhaps if you have not went and scroll down endlessly in Facebook, or, if you have not took for granted a few minutes which become hours to read novels, perhaps then you might have cancelled out a page of to-do-list by now. so, my dear munster, at the end of the day, it all comes to time management.

Organize your stuff well. Manage your time properly. Then you'll find out that you're not that busy afterall ;)

and oh, this leads to sharing the songs that I play in loop for the past few days. and now. wink wink ;)


Drenched by 曲婉婷 ; Waiting for Superman by Daughtry ; 不哭了 by By2 ; 泡沫 by 邓紫棋 ;  孤獨是一種安全感 by 杨丞琳

Before i get busy. a mini promise to myself: i shall not say something like this anymore -

"i'll sleep early and wake up early tomorrow to complete my stuffs"

Never happen. too busy making excuses.

PLEASE DON'T. MEAN IT WHEN YOU SAY IT K.

#kthxbye

You were here, staring at the mirror. Reflecting. The reason you are doing this. The things you've been through. The way you want to change things. That changes around you.

Your hair pulled back into a tight knot.
Your frown more than your smile.
Your table full of endless tasks and notes.
Your priority more biased than ever.
Your friends can't spend much time with you.
You are out of breath before you knew.

Your judgement, tainted.
Your predicament, piled.
Your promises, overvalued.
Your commitment, wild.
Your studies, neglected.

Has your nose grow longer?
Has your cheek master the skill of silent calm?
Has your eyes learn to see the shades hidden under people's mask?
Has your ears choose to listen to whispers coming from the other side of the wall?

And then you realized, you have changed. You learn; You laugh; You longed; You live. It's worth it.

Right?

4.25am. Friday. KL LCCT Airport - McDonald. Surrounded by loud people, check. Charging laptop next to a pole while my friends sleep in their arms on a table, checked. Pissed with uneducated-selfish-arrogant-assholes-who-think-they-own-the-place, so checked.

What brings me here at this time?

Well, I was having my holidays in Langkawi Island  with my university friends for this whole week. Today is actually my last day on the island and my friends and I happened to hop on the last plane and now I am typing discreetly so that the keyboard-tapping-sound is at minimum level ;) I am waiting to board my flight back to Penang at 7.15am. Since I have the whole night and a lappie, I thought I should write something so that the time can passed quickly and fingers cross, I really hope I won't fall asleep...

Where were I?

First and foremost, my sincere-est apologies for not updating my blog regularly for the past few months. Life, has decided to play B.U.S.Y and B.I.T.C.H.Y with me :( Now let me try to put these whole chronicle of unfortunate events as simple as possible.

Late June - Sabah Trip happened; (1) got stung by stonefish while snorkeling on a small island; (2) moved out from the island on a very embarrassing stretcher and a huge on-looking-crowd - paid an extra sum of RM150 for the injection treatment in consequence; (3) in fact, started to become allergic to alcohol because of the sting, dayum!; (4) managed to get all 3 zips (of pencil box, fave high waist pants & jeans) spoil; (5) hand luggage bag overweight, busted - need to send over to campus via parcel delivery service - another RM1XX lost.

HAHA and it all happened in a short 8 days trip, can you believe it. But luckily, there's always family and friends who lend me their hands in time like these. That's why I'm still here aren't I? :)

ps: I actually thinks this is a test ;) according to the chinese belief (and my belief), my second half year are supposed to be like this, hmmmmm...

Then what keeps me so busy?

Academics. Non academic activities. Responsibilities. Keponess. The tendency of saying yes to practically everything. Expectations. Friends. Plans. And finally, excuses.

Will I update regularly from now onwards?
I'll say yes ;)

STAY TUNED, for real this time.

BFF! We hang till the end! :) Happy Birthday <3 p="p">
PS:- One semester missing in action and i am the one to blame. Will update soon :)

 惆怅，因为突然觉得自己真的老了。再过一个月，就二十岁。

“帶著你的根本，不管哪裡。都可以再次花開。”  ——熟女手册

《我可能不会喜欢你》，一个很文艺很不像偶像剧的偶像剧。这故事讲述了女主，程又青在30的关卡如何不停的错过和怎样这般那般地领悟到自己是多么的迟钝。讲述了，那个一直闷骚地爱着程又青的李大仁如何被虐了一番然后获得美人归。讲述了，岁月不饶人——年轻时想旅行，有时间没钱没本事；后来做工了有能力了，却发现申请个十天假，是多么的难。这部剧也同时让我看到家人时常在你的身边，一起吵，一起闹，一起度过难关。长辈的话，虽然逆耳但往往‘一语惊人’。

“一个家，一定要有一个唱歌的，旁边的人都在帮他伴奏。
幸福美满的婚姻，不是让出来的，而是要从内心里面发出来的接受。
所以结婚之前要想清楚的，不是你有多爱那个人，
而是要想清楚说，你跟那个人以后的日子会长成什么样子。”

程又青，你真幸运。你有李大仁。

  花了一天十二个小时，一口气把整部剧看完，因为题材佳、演员帅、衣饰美、原声带太好听、时间多。我承认我有点out毕竟此剧是去年热播的，当时还想说台湾偶像剧近来老套又闷，当时都只看韩剧呵呵，可惜。现在，很庆幸我没错过这段细水长流的爱情。

“越来越不想改变，已经习惯的习惯。”——初老症症状

最后，第二男猪——王阳明。其实，他很帅、但很坏。不管是，故事中、现实中、娱乐圈中。但这不是重点。重点是，我终于可以如愿贴出一张帅哥放在这儿了。

Photo credit to Jasper James.

I dream. Going for a student exchange program. Going overseas.
Be it Europe. Asia. Or Africa.
I might be homesick.
I might be lonely.
I might be suffering.
But I definitely will regret;
If I do not visit any of these foreign countries within these few years.

Youth, is very limited.
You cannot expect yourself to go on a backpack trip when you're in your thirties.
You will have attachments and responsibilities you cannot leave behind.
You will not have the energy anyway. Life brings you down, physically.

Recognize opportunity, seize it in your hand.

Set a deadline to your dream. And I tell myself, by 21. I will...

From Top to Bottom: 1. Tea and To-Do List and JI; 2. My friend's Elmo Bday Cake, super jealo of him; 3. My tangled mess.

Since it's study week, i'm supposed to be studying, obviously. But, just to share. I've started drawing on my sketchbook again. I mean doodling la. Usually i'll draw so much on my notes, textbooks or any blank space that needs beautification until no paper on earth walks away clean. That's normal rate. And 99% of them will end up erased by the author, me. B'cause it's not drawn on a proper medium bha. So, I'll draw even more when i'm studying, or, practically whenever i'm trying to concentrate on my revision. So for the past few days, I've been stuck in this endless cycle of unconsciously flipping my sketch book open and. Start. Drawing. Ugh.



These are 0.02% of what i'd drawn so far. Please don't ask me why I don't draw guys. It's really really reaaaalley a sad case :'( And haha! I just realized there ain't no hot guy to share in this post. Just Elmo and JI and my girls. Next time next time.

Songs of the Week. I'm so outdated, wonder if they're the latest. Meh, not that it matters.

1. The Fighters by Gym Class Heroes ft. Ryan Tedder
2. Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson
3. Wide Awake by Katy Perry
4. Glad You Came by The Wanted
5. Blown Away by Carrie Underwood
6. Shake That by Metro Station
7. Burn it Down by Linkin Park
8. Payphone by Maroon 5 ft. Whiz Khalifa
9. Starships cover by Madilyn Bailey (Check her out! - link)
10. Kiss Me by The Fray
11. Baby Steps by Varsity (English Ver) / SNSD - TTS (Korean Ver) 
12. Speed Up by KARA
13. Where Have You Been by Rihanna

And the study anthem song: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger by Kelly Clarkson.

End up singing along anyway. Major distraction. And i'm also blaming the mirror which is installed perpendicularly to my study table. And those up-beat songs, they seriously made me leave my chair and dance in the middle of the room. And my roomate, oh well, she'll give me that face when the dance routine happens. In fact, she even joins in! Err, sometimes. And the online novels and internet. I'm gonna block all of you. Quite successful - I've actually enveloped my lappie into the notebook sleeve and locked it away in the drawer until the clock strikes 12 midnight. Like now. So yeah. And the long hair, i'm so fascinated by its shininess and smoothness and volume and smell. Keep holding their ends and examining non-stop. Time to chop it off. A promise to myself. >:(

1.07am. Self-disciplinary action - i'm crushing to bed now, lately just can't let myself to sleep, might be too stressed, for nothing ugh. And oh, Diablo 3!!! We are so close yet so far. I'll play you one day. Good night.

And so, that's practically what I had summed up from the seminar. Here's a video (link) they shared. It really inspires me.




I am learning. Final is 2 weeks away and I'll start by not repeating my last minute tragedy again. Cheers. By the way, the 3/967 pictures above are unrelated to this statement. Teehee. I'll be back with hot guys soon.

PS: Why the ladies nowadays keep demanding hawt guys. Why. Y U NO APPEAR IN MY LIFE. #vain

 

YAY, I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW. A LOAD OFF MY CHEST! AND YES I AM SHOUTING!!!!

This is so lame. darn it. #kthxbye :\