munsterina: Feeling Lyrical

Days between Jay Peak and Inglenook

4/27/2017 10:39:00 PM

You smile and pretend everything is okay

9/29/2014 12:09:00 AM

Reflection

5/22/2012 12:53:00 AM

Taken in Miri Esplanade Beach @ 19/5

Before i start writing this post, i actually browsed through all the photos taken so far in this month. If you're curious about the quantity, it's 967 and no this is not a random number. I even used a calculator to get the number right. Haha vain. Anyway. the past weekends might just be an ordinary one (ordinary = assignments and quizzes and wasting time) if i didn't sign up for this AIESEC LDS seminar - a conference between UKM and Curtin students. Games, talks, lectures, persuasion, dances and new friends. Three days and it changes my perception in life. It made me reflect on what i am today.

What I lack of? Confidence. I always tend to avoid eye contact whenever i'm speaking to a crowd. I'll be that girl who will stare at the ceiling and rap whatever blabbering stuff she's supposed to. And then hurriedly she'll bow and run away from the spotlight. She can't even get her head clear when she's facing the crowd; every sentence and word are scattered and disorganized, and believe me, it's unbearable.

So, there is this sharing session where people volunteer to go up the stage and umm, practically, share. 1, 2, 3, 4... 9. The outspoken one, the hyper girl, the lyke-a-boss brother, the loud feilou, the chio girl. One by one they share what they've learn in the conference and finally they are telling me, this is your last chance. You opportunity. Your platform. I took a deep breath and raised my hand high in a speed of light. I think i even closed my eyes. And sprained my arm. But anyway, turns out, i am the last person going up there and talk.

Why i am sharing this is because i wanna tell you that with this simple act, I have gain the courage to change. Change but be the same you. I was hesitant at first, but seeing sooo many people have done that, i am like, why not? All these time, how narrow minded i am for thinking that i simply don't like being the center of attention and so i avoid stages and refuse to stand up and voice out. I was rather judgmental for also thinking those who opt for the limelight are attention seeker. Ironically, I also take them as the bravado for their humongous guts. I am wrong.

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something in your life.

Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

It takes a lot of effort and guts to be the first one to stand up. That person is the leader. But the leader needs to be easy to follow and must not back down in whatever circumstances. Then there will be the first follower. The first follower leads the second and the second leads the third. Without you realizing, everybody is in fact, the leader. It might be awkward at first, being the 'weirdo' and doing something people are not, but once everybody joins in, it won't be. The key is don't ever change yourself to fit in. Be you.

And so, that's practically what I had summed up from the seminar. Here's a video (link) they shared. It really inspires me.

///

Never underestimate yourself. Your will is your strongest weapon.

I am learning. Final is 2 weeks away and I'll start by not repeating my last minute tragedy again. Cheers. By the way, the 3/967 pictures above are unrelated to this statement. Teehee. I'll be back with hot guys soon.

PS: Why the ladies nowadays keep demanding hawt guys. Why. Y U NO APPEAR IN MY LIFE. #vain

Daylight

4/30/2012 08:30:00 PM

This morning, I was doing the Leo Garden thingy, the usual stuff: painting names, putting the Leo Garden signboard, planting plants etc. The signboard, its supposed to be attached to a wood with a wire i brought along but unfortunately, i forgot to bring my scissors. I looked around. From far, a nursery worker was working on the garden. The thin worker is slightly taller than me, he wears an oversize crumpled cap and a shirt hanging loosely on him. He was squatting on a corner, replanting the ixora that i'd planted a week ago. His expertise, mud-stained boots and weather worn hands led me to assume he's older than me. So i used my very the poor Malay language to ask him for a scissor by calling him "Encik". Nope. No reaction at first call. I raised my voice and called him again, this time walking towards his direction with my arms raised. Finally.

He turned around. His face is surprisingly young and innocent. Must be his bugs bunny teeth. Anyway. He looks like a local to me with his very tan skin which assembles the tribal people in Borneo. We exchanged a brief conversation, with me stammering on every sentences due to my poor verbal Malay. Ugh. So he went around and looked for scissors for me. And he came back with a parang. I know right. But we continued on with the wiring task. He stood there and watched awhile and offered his help which is so nice of him. Anyway that's not the point. In fact the point comes now.

He started talking in Malay. I kinda remained silent until he starts asking questions. So i used my Maglish to answer his questions. And from the convo, i'm very the sipek surprised and shocked. He's freaking 19 years old and he's omaigagaly one year younger than me. And he told me he is studying 1st year 1st sem back in Indonesia like me until... Until what? I remembered clearly. His face turned grim when he hesitantly told me he's been here in M'sia as a garden worker for 3 months now. His tone was low and emotional. And that makes me wonder. He gave up his study just to be here? He prefer to 24/7-ly stay under the sun when he has a university to attend back in his home? No it doesn't make sense. He willingly came here? Or is it life, being mean to him?

I feel bad for him so i stopped myself from prying further with questions. ok, the real reason is i don't know how to phrase my question in Malay. Anyway. My point is, at that one moment and brief exchange of conversation with a stranger (yeah, i didn't even get his name.), I realized that i was given a lot of things compared to him.

Sometimes, we procrastinate too much and fail to appreciate what we are blessed with. We are given the opportunity to live in a comfortable environment. Knowledge, family, health, security. No hunger, or Hunger Games. Or war. Or anything that comes to your mind which you rather not to be with.

“Just because some of us can read and write and do a little math, that doesn't mean we deserve to conquer the universe."
Kurt Vonnegut

I see this everyday around 6.27pm.

To realize how lucky you are. How lucky you have been. And you think you deserved it. And you simply disregard it as if its part of the package to be born in a material world. And neglect your parent's sweat and blood to provide you shelter, warmth and love?

We are young. We are naive. But always look around you and DON'T assume you deserve these. Cherish them. Before it's too late.

Lurve Letter

4/16/2012 02:39:00 PM

Dear Tiara

,

Hello. It's been awhile since we last talked. Hmm, when was it again, oh! It's last Saturday, 7th of April. And haha

, we talked about craps and bullshits again. Anyway. The reason I'm writing this letter

to you is because you requested for it (DUH.) so here I am, writing love letter to you. So how's life my dear bff? Any hot guys lurking around you

? Any interesting slash embarrassing story to share with me? ;) Where are you heading to in 4 months time? Will you still be in Penang or somewhere on earth?

Ahh, life. Life always brings two different people to meet and then inevitably separates them. That's life

. What matters is how these two people maintain their relationship and keep in touch.

Hint my dear bff. KEEP IN TOUCH! I don't want us to become strangers one day. And fyi, you're still the oldest friend I ever had. Old, old, old as in very old like from year 2002. Though I must admit there are much older friends but I just want you to know that I treasure

our old, old, old and life-long friendship very very much.

By the way, I just realized something. Guess what, this year is actually our 10th anniversary of knowing each other since... 2002? Yeah so now we have another memorable date haha

. The other date would be January 14; the night where we meet him personally hiak hiak hiak

. Anyway, my dear friend, I'll be looking forward for more memorable days to go crazy and crap shits with you. And more days where we test on each other limit; you know, you always test on my temper and patience! Talking with you requires a lot of maturity and PATIENCE and understanding. You never fail to make me angry, and yeah, this is bad. ;p

Please treat me nicer next time you bad ass

.

Last but not least, I just wanna notify you that I'm so gonna post this in my blog because it's been deserted for so long that I feel bad for not filling it up with something. Something meaningful like this. And since I have write a long long essay for you, so why not? ;) Just telling you, you cannot refuse. So my dear dear bff, see you soon.

KIT!

With Love.
The Author

I'm such a good friend ;)

Now who's next?

Eyes Open

3/20/2012 06:58:00 PM

I rarely open up. I don't pour words or speeches when people approaches me kindly and simply asks: "How are you?" In fact this question will likely get a "fine" or "good" from me and i promise you this, i don't really mean it. I just don't like to elaborate more if i answered it the other way round. I remember when i hang out with my friends, there's always this gossip-slash-caring-slash-updating-session where we fill in each other with our stories and what we did for the past few months and stuff, i A.L.W.A.Y.S dunno what to share. So at the end i'll ended up sharing my 'beautiful encounter(s)'. Nothing too personal; just enough to fill up their curiosity and my 'report'.

Even when my dad or mum or family calls me, I don't really know what to say. Sure, I'll tell them i'm fine here and after that I don't know what else is there for me to say. Most of the times, if there's nothing unusual happen i'll just keep quiet and wait for them to lead the conversation. And then i'll always be the one who says bye first. There is not much interesting or worth mentioning stuff that happens to me. Define "interesting" ugh. But what i really want to say is, I miss you so much. I wanna go home. I'm not feeling well. I wanna quit study. I wanna be by your side. I'm not ok.

Oh yeah, my family do this thing you see, they'll call me when they're having dinner and put the phone on speaker on the table. And i'll be on another continent, clutching the phone tightly beside my ear and use this cheerful tone that i'm so used to it now and listen. As if i'm there. As if i never left. As if i'm home...

Sometimes, I admire how my roommate can hold her conversation with her mum for 30 minutes and plus. She'll talk about her daily routine(boring), who she met, what she ate(really?), how she feels and even what she learns. And me? it's always within 10 minutes. Period. And it's always my dad who initiates the call. Once they didn't call me one night or something i'll be like Y U NO CALL ME. emo.

Someone once told me that I may look friendly and talkative and such, but i'm always on guard when it comes to intimate subjects. That person told me that no matter how long it took, there's been always a wall in between us. I shrug. This is the truth, this is who i am. I don't share, the end. To me, opening up is like ripping my clothes off and to be naked in front of a crowd. So. If you're lucky, you might caught me doing that one day or once in a red moon. But don't expect too much will you.

For your information, this lengthy essay is the fruit of listening to The Hunger Games: Songs from District 12 and Beyond in loop. Especially when you're a fan of Taylor and you keep replaying her latest track - Eyes Open for uncountable times. And especially when you have a mild sore throat and at the same time feeling weak and defeated. Oh well, great. Not fair.

I guess i'm afraid that if you open up, people might fall in and hurt themselves. Or the other way round. Maybe, everybody's waiting, for you to breakdown; everybody's watching, to see the fallout and even when you're sleeping. Sleeping, you need to keep your eyes open. But, the trick is, are you ready? Am I?

Happened

1/20/2012 10:37:00 PM

Lighters; I talk too much

10/30/2011 05:29:00 AM

The reminders that are left behind

8/29/2011 11:57:00 PM

20th is still a big day

7/30/2011 11:03:00 PM

Paranoid

5/30/2011 11:12:00 PM

I'm not inspired. I've been recycling in this endless mundane chain, staging a much quieter and relentless life of my own. oh well, that answers your question if you're wondering why there's only 1 post so far for this month. I'm not disappointed though. at least i'm learning.

Truth, i'm in a crabby mood today. i personally blame it on the hormones. yes, i went to work on time. yes, i'm busy with work the whole morning which leads to the consequence of filling my stomach with water, because, i accidentally skipped breakfast. but yes, i ate lunch after that. and yeah, i get teary jerky when they treat me kindly, which happens all the time. and yes, my mum kinda told me some random story which i don't want to hear, for which makes my whole crabby day crabbier. Great! And, did i mention that i am a crab? No, not the Cancerian part, i mean the way i deal with problems and issues. slightly out of the point, i have no idea why i put these two synonym words together but anyway back to the point, i had just, somehow, dodge the main topic just like that.

but honestly, i believe that you totally don't understand the above paragraph don't you? alright, these are nags. nobody likes nagging or being nag or whatever. therefore, i'll resist the joy of nagging. for now, let's just look at the big picture will you?

yes, i literally meant a big picture in case you're wondering :)

Anyway. i was listening to the radio today when i was stuck in the jam and i heard this DJ saying everybody is born to be alone and there's no such thing as lonely because loneliness is what you're adapted to. (phew long sentence) Everything suddenly make sense. like somebody snap their fingers beside your ear and a light bulb pops out on your head and it glow, and glow and glow. maybe from now on, i should start getting used to being alone. i should start having lunch alone on a big round table. i would keep quiet the whole day, trying to be oblivion. i should not wait for my sister to accompany into the bedroom anymore. hmm, i would do all that.

yeah, i'll probably do that one day, on the day i finally don't bother about people's thought and impression on me. yet all those, they're only 'maybe'. maybe i'll never change after all. i'll still be the awkward girl who has nothing to say in a crowd.(a crowd of adult and i don't consider myself as an adult) maybe i'm really control by the hormones right now. in fact, i'm grabbing my hair and examining them with limiting light source from the lappie screen just a few minutes ago. Imagine what Cruella de Ville do in her house when she's alone... okay, i can't imagine that too, who's she anyway? sorry, she randomly run into my mind. But, you get my point don't you...

I am not sure about what i'm doing soon is right or wrong. day by day, i'm getting more doubtful about the decisions i made. whether i can come out with a full degree. whether i can bear with the 'freedom' given. whether i can be what people expect me to be. whether i can retain myself from losing my focus there. whether i'll have a boyfriend one day. maybe not. whether i can cope with the tough road i'd chosen. Whether i can embrace myself, because i've lose part of it by choosing this road. Whether am i meant for logic after all? But one thing is for sure, i'm going to make all these work. with hard work.

Don’t listen to me I’m being paranoid. I hope i remember what i said whenever i'm doubtful again... I 'll try.