Hi there.
Here i am again, blogging away because i feel bad for deserting my blog for such a long time.

and oh, i can't help to notice how predictable my prologue always is. bleh. Look at all of my post, most of them starts with "sorry for neglecting you" or "I'm back for my commitment" or "to show i'm lame, here i am", eeeeekkk. Bad sign i know i know. Though, I really dunno how to start a post without these lame lame prologues... #fail

Anyway. How are you?
These past weeks, things happened. Good and bad. But those days are gone. I've learned to accept and move on. Heh I actually thinks I've grown up a lot these few days. In fact people do compliments me on that haha. anyewey.
I'm leaving Penang tomorrow. And I'm (looking around, wuhdafuq) not ready yet. I have a lot more things to do, eg. wearing that contact lens. Agaaain! *yawns, i never got over this small pebble until this moment huhuhu... But the point is, (arrow points)

I don't wanna go :( I want to stay :(






Life, is about hello and goodbyes. What matters is how you make them last. Just a temporary hello to goodbye you know :) ILY Penang. I'll be back.
Time to break some necks in Miri, whatever that means.

and damn that LAME epilogue! grrr.

Human.

Fragile creatures. 

Accidents prone; Tragedy happened.

Red. Siren. Needle. Thread. Broken.

Hell.


Beauty is all she is.

When its dark she asks herself. Desperately.

Is this just a dream? Please wake up. Please.

Is this the end?


But her look in the eyes said,

Fearless.





















 
She is just a human; we are.

And for that she is more

than extraordinary.

No tears are poured; No remorse;

No complaints nor hatred.

She owns my love, my respect.

Forever.

ps: geesh this teehee thing is so infectious. fyi, i got the teehee syndrome from this youtuber. here, watch one of his video(link) and you'll know ;) Ryan Higa is so err, jorkerish and sexayish and rapperish. BEEP!

Frown:
Remember what i said about ants rallying on my laptop in my earlier post?

ok, i need to type fast before this sweet and adorable laptop keyboard dies on me again. please be good for this 15 mins okay?

It's true about how blogging can turn into a commitment. i've been pretty  'uninspired' this month, it's like blogging has become an errand which i'll end up avoiding from it. every night i'll tell myself: "i'll update my blog tomorrow." and i guess you have figured out what happen to those endless tomorrows. pshhhhh. but look at the bright side, at least i have countless of drafts in my list that shows my dedication and commitment to it though i seriously doubt these draft will ever see the sunlight.... no questions.

anyway.

so, i'm finishing my job soon and that'll leave me with less than 2 weeks time to really really spend some quality time with family and friends. though i haven't officially resign from my post yet, well, i'm already looking forward to the endless fun, chit chat and pre-birthday celebration and more, all squeeze into a 2 weeks tight schedule. not that i'm complaining, i just wish i have more time. i'll miss waking up at 8.05am on every weekdays, oh and processing numbers and codes in the office besides counting down to 5pm. i'll miss them and them.

ahem, ok i'll just leave my speech to Thursday. you see, they expect me to write a thank you / farewell email, so this is round 1.  i'll come up with a more formal one soon. i hope. fingers crossed.

oh, i bought another unnecessary book again. and this, will be added into my stack of reading pile, which will be left at home when i fly away. gahhhh, i just can't control myself. i know i can't bring all my books there, but the temptation of buying it is just too high. i'm innocent ok. i even thought about reading books on pdf but the idea put me off. i tried reading the Shopaholic series years ago on pdf and it's quite a strain. i'll much prefer flipping the pages than scrolling down. but, this only applies to english novels. strangely i'm ok with chinese novels. i mean i can stand reading them on the computer without giving up midway. no i'm not hypocrite. i'm just being normal. i bet people who reads chinese novels on the computer agree with me from their bottom of my heart. umm, right?

out of the point, i have blah untill...what? like the 5th paragraph and i still dunno what should i name this post. yeah, i usually finish my post with the title. and i seriously wanna stop now but i still can't put a suitable title :(

did i mention my sister kept playing Mistake (by SNSD) on the computer and i just can't focus but sing along for the past 15 mins? Argghghhhh, fine, i'm done. let's just label it rants, shall we.

it's not even a question. 

The sun was descending. I can feel its warmth and brilliant brightness seeping away slowly. My fingers were icy cold, but my face was heating into a deep red down to my neck. I stared at the sun with my bare eyes until it hurts and looked away. Like how I always let my thoughts and imagination go wild until I cannot bear it any longer and try to shut it away. But it is a Pandora Box after all. It always been.




I've been extremely excited when I first got my job about a month ago. But that's before everything goes hay-wired. Right before I realized something that was not meant to happen at all. I look around and suddenly, every thing seems out of place, out of order, and out of control. I messed up. But the worst part was I cannot mend it up myself. All I can do is sit and dread for the worst.


A week passed and everything was solved in a day. Like passing clouds. Though people has seem to forget about this whole thing, I no longer feel the excitement I usually had. I am afraid of commitment, to it. I just want to cuddle back under my blanket and continue to sleep in the cold morning. I miss hanging out with friends, talking nonsense, laughing, screaming, singing, and even doing stupid things in the public. I miss staying at home, playing, singing, dancing around alone, lying down in safe territory and away from the war zone. I miss studying.


It’s not all sunshine and rainbows here, but it isn’t storm and thunder either. It's about plain bleakness. About how your monster caught up to you and give you a big blow whenever you're tying to stand back up. About how you should be extra careful in Wonderland and the fact that Mad Hatter does not exist. It's all up to you in this battle with the monster. I know.


In the real world, you only have a pair of worn-out shoes to keep your feet going and if you tripped, you'll be welcomed by the cold hard floor. I thought i have what it takes in this tough crowd. Yet, I lost my balance and fell on the side road. Looking back, everything looks easier in the lunch-box days where there's always a bigger bed to crawl into whenever you screwed up. Or whenever you want to hide and run.

Well, apparently i've been living a VERY pointless and aimless lifestyle for a while now. In fact, i'm practically drifting away like a speck of dust, so insignificant that the world wouldn't even notice when i'm gone. shrug. oh, sorry for using such unflattering words, just saying. i guess the reason i'm so worked up is because i'm still wandering around like an idiot, not doing anything with my life. it's like i've press the pause button and my life freezes on this scene where i'm stuck on this clueless crossroad ever since the big blow. this is where i am now. indecisive and timid. it makes me feel vulnerable and disturbed. all. the. time. horrible thoughts keep swelling my mind, choking me with their taunting 'what if' till i'm so beaten up and stop struggling or denying or running away. i may be smiling on the outside, but actually, i'm just as sensitive as a cancerian should be.
Do you get what i mean? it's meant to be confusing pointless anyway. so never mind.


okay fine, i admit: i'm just trying to bring out the cancerian thingy 'cause it looks so cool up there. but it's not like i'm not ripping my heart out for you to see via a microscope or anything. anyway. just shhhhhhhush. let it be pointless if it is, to you.

Alright. i'll proceed if you may, though, i'm not really asking for your permission or whatsoever.

It's kinda scary how the time passes just like that. Not long ago, i was just starting to look for a job but to no avail and boom, now i'm left with a month to work if, supposedly, i get a job. it's just like how i change my taste so drastically in 3 months time. 3 months ago i find the phrase 'you belong to me' so romantic and mellow, but now i find it egocentric and inconsiderate and it should be 'you belong with me'. not much difference and not that it matters cause this is supposed to be pointless to you.

i've been back to books and psp lately. i can stay up all night just to finish a book or play the psp till its out of batteries. Maybe this is a good sign for being able to let go of my worries, my ego, my disappointment, my expectations, my melancholic me; i don't know. i no longer feel anything clear. i made myself to believe in this temporary facade that soon, will fade away.

gahhh i seriously need commitment, somebody please shoot me. i'm beyond making sense now. but the funny thing is, sometimes, i DO make sense. duh.

*Track playing: Wish You Were Here, Avril Lavigne
  Current book: Lithium, Lauren Oliver
  Thought: this is bullshit.
  Current stress: 
   over-outing brings overflow of 'out-come' as opposed to 'income'.
   Shout out: thank you bullshit but i ain't no cow.

Tell you what, i was stalked earlier this day. i thought i was over-sensitive back then. But, NO. This is sooo darn real that i wish i was over-reacting. i thought it only happens in movies and novels. darn.


Okay, it all started in a bookstore of a mall near my house. i was as usual, trying to waste time by browsing the new release books and at the same time fighting the urge to not buy or read a book instantly. It was really frustrating, really. after all, i don't have ang pau money to spend this year. and my sis was giving me 'that face'. Anyway, that's not the point. *The story begins here.* When i was busy paying attention on books, my 15 year old sis was busy observing people around. thank gahhhd she has this habit. That's when she realized an indian man in his mid thirties who was wearing black sun glass,black shirt, black pants, black skin and big tummy was staring at us intently. okay or maybe just her. anyway. my sis said his stare made her felt uncomfortable. the man played with his phone or turned around to cover up whenever she looked at him. he was like, stalking her.

at that time, my sis was still unsure about this whole thing. come on, she could be wrong right? and, at the same time, i, whom was still oblivious to this whole drama was moving to the YA section. my sis tagged along numbly and, she was right! the man followed us by staying about six feet away. she was terrified, she said. (honestly i won't even know if she doesn't tell me after that) she quietly told me about him. i laughed it off but my alarm was set to full course. i reluctantly told her my plan, which was quite stupid thinking back now. we walked to the romance section and stayed, hoping that he would just go away . the man followed. he even picked up the book and pretended to read. wtfuuu. believe me, you can tell he's not reading because he's looking at us from the book covering his face. and every time i stared at him, he looked at the book. wtfuuuu. it was so obvious! so finally, it's my turn to be terrified. and annoyed. my hands were freezing cold. we purposely stayed in the store for awhile. the man was still with us. in the romance section.
///

Now, we can confirm that he's indeed a stalker. i shall name him 'stalker' from now onwards.


///
of course we can't stay like that forever. the stalker was still 'reading' his romance novel. he's not leaving us alone. by then, we were more irritated than scared. so, we left the bookstore and headed to the escalator. i turned around once i was on it. there he was. the stalker 'strolled' down the escalator watching at us with that look. that look which makes me wanna slap at him reaaal hard. This time, i stared back at him furiously though i'm trembling inside, making it very frank to him. the stalker avoided my stare and took out his phone to 'call'. wtfuuuu. he has been 'calling' so much for the last 10 mins that i thought he was a lousy stalker, i mean, he don't even know how to disguise properly. not that i'm complaining.

so, back to the escalator. In that short 10 seconds, i glared at the stalker with what-i-think-must-be-an-antagonizing-stare. his eyes darted around uneasily. his phone trick was over. at ground floor, there's a property exhibition going on. i deliberately leaded my sis towards there. we stopped and together, we crossed our arms in front of our chest and glared at him. well, by then the stalker went inside the exhibition and was looking around for us. when he finally saw us, he looked away. and looked back at us hesitantly. HA HA. we caught him off guard. he quickly realized that we know he's stalking us after he saw us glaring at him together. he moved. we followed alertly. seriously, we were so fierce that i thought i saw him digging out tissue and wiping sweat away. HA HA, serves you right.

the stalker stopped. he put the phone on his ear again and looked at us. he's scared. we were still in the crowd. we continue to walk on in what-i-call-a-speedy-pace and at the same time we glared at him until he was out of sight. we kept turning our heads around to make sure he's not following us anymore. after that, we stayed in the mall for awhile with our guards up 'cause we don't want him tagging us to the parking lot. he was no where in sight ever since.

well we are now finally, in safe territory. in fact, i can hear the fireworks outside my window. and that reminds me, Happy CNY people. thinking back now, if people are stalking me, they must be coming for the money only.
as for that asset? Naaahhhh~

a little advice, if you're stalked, make him know you're not unnerve. and make sure to let him know that you know he's stalking you. they'll back out. well, at least for my case.

i know you won't take this seriously. But i'm very serious about this. take care :)

Great. I'm a total failure. And disappointment. And a loser.
Not that i'm surprised. Go figures.

I sat for my Cambridge Advance Subsidiary aka AS Level this May/June. The results are finally out. Today.
That's what i can tell myself at 1st glance on my results. Here, let me show you *cringe*
So, what do ya think? To be honest, i actually don't believe it and i kept on refreshing the page. Ha.ha.ha. Not funny i know i know. Of course, it remains the same wth.
Great huh? The anticipation was already killing me to pieces( since i waited about 2 months for the results to be out), and now this. You have no idea what it feels like...On 2nd thought, maybe you do.

Whatever.

'Cause i think i'm gonna resit my AS. Cause i was already expecting this when sitting for the exam. Come on, is that my best shot? From what i can recalled, it's more like a last minute effort. I think. But believe me, the effort i put in was still humongous although it's only a short period of time.

That's why i'm disappointed on myself. For one, I shouldn't spent sooo much time on the computer. Like now. And for two... well, i guess i'm not focus enough. There's simply too many distractions. From now on, I really need to focus. Maybe i should start planing a timetable? Hmm, maybe.

Traditionally, we Asian tends to compare. Okay, perhaps minority of us. 
People come asking about my results. Figures.
And they just don't believe what they get.

Well, I'm surrounded by smart people. And i'm simply not.
This is my 1st thought when we are exchanging our results.
Wtf, now i sound like a very jealous kid with a very low self-esteem.
No scratch that. Not my usual self.

Anyway, there's still some hope in me to not retake the exam so i googled about what i should do with 3 Cs.
And i found this:
I actually find it very genius-related and encouraging hahaha....So that makes me under the clever category? This really comforts and cheer me up:-)

But too bad, i just don't lie to myself. I need to face the fact and start brushing up.
And oh, I'm sorry dad, for all the money you've 'just' wasted on me...i'm a poor investment huh.
I'm not gonna say: "I'll do well next time ok? I give you my word." 
I'll show you.

ps - to the author of the passage i'd cut, sorry in advance for not asking permission 1st.

I've no idea how many times i had cried silently in front of people, angling my face down.
Or wrap myself up under the blanket, crying secretly.
Or weep repressively in the bath room, letting the sound of splashes of water to cover up my soft moan.

And the next day, i'll make up excuses to explain my swollen eyelids.
"i've not enough sleep last night."
"my eyes got infected. time to change my bed sheet."
"oh, i must have pressed my eyes while sleeping."

I don't like to go around and tell people that i've cried. I don't want people to know at all. Not that being a big fat liar is such a joy, who would want to lie if they are given a better option? But because i'm an oh-so-sensitive person, i've no choice. [Plus, it's so uncomfortable to share some personal issues with friends >.<]
You see, I will get teary-eye whenever someone started to show their concern for a-sad/hurt/in the mist of crying-me. And then my tear duct will let the tears out like an open tap. Tears fall and KA-BOOM! it'll never stop. That's when i begin to hide away from people. Although it never succeeded wtf. People will trail behind me and ask: "What's wrong?"

MunSTeR: "Nothing."


Right, that's it, no more  dwelling into the embarrassing part. Back to the topic peeps.

I don't cry much. At least not in front of my friends. In fact i'm categorized under the so-called cheerful & sunny department. But inside, I'm still a weakling. i cry for something unreasonable. i cry for my mistake. Sometimes i cry just for fun, ie. burst out laughing when i'm suppose to be upset. Sometimes i cry because i'm a failure. Sometimes i cry because i felt neglected. Sometimes i cry just for the sake of crying. Sometimes i don't even know why my tears are falling down. (They are sweats perhaps...) But i never cry when i'm impacted physically. Every time, it's the mental part playing games.
The way i put it made it sounds like my tears are so cheap omg. Well, they are not. I treasure every unfond memories. so that next time there's pay-back time. And every time after i've calmed down, i'll replay the whole situation and tell myself:


Which i did anyway. Gee, a lot of times...
So, conclusion?
I'm far from being strong.
But one thing i know is i'm still working on it.

 Moving on!

Oh, did I mention bout the *thing*?? No? WELL. The thing is -
It's actually no biggy. I ONLY broke one single boiling tube   accidentally.
I made a hole on the bottom of the tube, that's all.


See, it;s just a smaaall hole. And I didn't even notice it until the solution I'm boiling came out so fast like they are from a tap. How could that be my fault when I was not even touching it.

( Technically, my hands are off the tube...minus the thermometer which I was using to stir the solution. I swear I stirred gently...I'm a lady after all wtf.)

Maybe...the boiling tube was flawed from the start..?? Ah-ha!! Then this explains MunSTeR and her unfortunate event.
Aah, I'm such a genius.

Well, I'm not gonna run away from the mistake I've done. I know partly, I'm also involve in the death of the RM 4.00++ boiling tube which ended up in a chemical bin in the lab. (Humph, serve you right Mister!)
But still, a mistake is a mistake. I need to hold responsibility to my carelessness and as a result my dad need to pay for the silly boiling tube. Gaaaah!

So, there goes my caution fee.
A new beginning  for a new semester huh?