Weakling

I've no idea how many times i had cried silently in front of people, angling my face down. Or wrap myself up under the blanket, crying...


I've no idea how many times i had cried silently in front of people, angling my face down.
Or wrap myself up under the blanket, crying secretly.
Or weep repressively in the bath room, letting the sound of splashes of water to cover up my soft moan.

And the next day, i'll make up excuses to explain my swollen eyelids.
"i've not enough sleep last night."
"my eyes got infected. time to change my bed sheet."
"oh, i must have pressed my eyes while sleeping."

I don't like to go around and tell people that i've cried. I don't want people to know at all. Not that being a big fat liar is such a joy, who would want to lie if they are given a better option? But because i'm an oh-so-sensitive person, i've no choice. [Plus, it's so uncomfortable to share some personal issues with friends >.<]
You see, I will get teary-eye whenever someone started to show their concern for a-sad/hurt/in the mist of crying-me. And then my tear duct will let the tears out like an open tap. Tears fall and KA-BOOM! it'll never stop. That's when i begin to hide away from people. Although it never succeeded wtf. People will trail behind me and ask: "What's wrong?"

MunSTeR: "Nothing."

And seriously, most of the things i cried for are for NOTHING.

For example:
having an argument with sis. she kicked me (she's a cow. that hurts, until now). i complain to mum. mum scold me. i got upset. bro ask me what's wrong. and tears start falling down. nothing achieve wtf.

Example No.2:
watching a romantic movie. the setting, the scene, the music - everything is perfect. then suddenly the couple break up and are hurting each other. I cry. i got a "Shhhh!!!" and a "shut up" + angry stare for that wtf.

Example No.3:
everyone defending my stupid sis. for what she did, which is so wrong. she's forgiven b/c she's a 'special' case. i receive the blame instead. for bothering to react to her stupid acts. felt wronged. tears fall. again. hate her wtf.
she's always the one who made me cry :'(

Right, that's it, no more  dwelling into the embarrassing part. Back to the topic peeps.

I don't cry much. At least not in front of my friends. In fact i'm categorized under the so-called cheerful & sunny department. But inside, I'm still a weakling. i cry for something unreasonable. i cry for my mistake. Sometimes i cry just for fun, ie. burst out laughing when i'm suppose to be upset. Sometimes i cry because i'm a failure. Sometimes i cry because i felt neglected. Sometimes i cry just for the sake of crying. Sometimes i don't even know why my tears are falling down. (They are sweats perhaps...) But i never cry when i'm impacted physically. Every time, it's the mental part playing games.
The way i put it made it sounds like my tears are so cheap omg. Well, they are not. I treasure every unfond memories. so that next time there's pay-back time. And every time after i've calmed down, i'll replay the whole situation and tell myself:

I'll never do that again.

Which i did anyway. Gee, a lot of times...
So, conclusion?
I'm far from being strong.
But one thing i know is i'm still working on it.

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