" 一邊說無所謂 一邊卻淚流滿面
面具底下 我們都是自己的傀儡 "

We sometimes said never mind, but inside, our face is wet with tears.
All because we are fools under our mask.

韋禮安 & 面具

作詞：韋禮安
作曲：韋禮安

Because when you grow up, you wear different masks and facades as you go around. You never foreseen yourself as someone who smiles when she's heartwrecked; who hide away when complication strikes; who try to be okay when she is not ok; who wants to please the world even when she's broken inside. Someone who seeks perfection but she's not.

Because simply, you feel safe behind the mask. :)

YOU MIGHT THINK that you're really really reeeeally BUSY and out of breath at times. "yea, i'm very busy, no time sleep lah." or "i didn't sleep last night, too many things to do :(" or "i'm not going to bed tonight until i finish up my stuff " and the worst: "aiya, must complete this la, due tomorrow T^T "

Especially when you have countless of deadlines and responsibilities in your hands. and especially when your to-do-list drags for a page full and more and more and more. and not to mention after you have just thrown away a few major events that you organized for this year and you're finally sitting down to take your breath. and then you realized: finals is just 3 weeks away! so.

Seriously. it's all time management. so many "stuff" or "things" to do meh!? see, you're here, reading my senseless blog instead of doing your first thing on your to-do-list. perhaps if you have not went and scroll down endlessly in Facebook, or, if you have not took for granted a few minutes which become hours to read novels, perhaps then you might have cancelled out a page of to-do-list by now. so, my dear munster, at the end of the day, it all comes to time management.

Organize your stuff well. Manage your time properly. Then you'll find out that you're not that busy afterall ;)

and oh, this leads to sharing the songs that I play in loop for the past few days. and now. wink wink ;)


Drenched by 曲婉婷 ; Waiting for Superman by Daughtry ; 不哭了 by By2 ; 泡沫 by 邓紫棋 ;  孤獨是一種安全感 by 杨丞琳

Before i get busy. a mini promise to myself: i shall not say something like this anymore -

"i'll sleep early and wake up early tomorrow to complete my stuffs"

Never happen. too busy making excuses.

PLEASE DON'T. MEAN IT WHEN YOU SAY IT K.

#kthxbye

ps: geesh this teehee thing is so infectious. fyi, i got the teehee syndrome from this youtuber. here, watch one of his video(link) and you'll know ;) Ryan Higa is so err, jorkerish and sexayish and rapperish. BEEP!

Now Playing: 

Dare You to Move, cover by Taylor Swift and Jayesslee; originally performed by Switchfoot

Now Revision-ing: 

Chemistry Notebook

Now Drinking: 

Vitagen (Pineapple Yoghurt Drink)

Now Planning: 

Packing soon and i'm coming home!

I'm not inspired. I've been recycling in this endless mundane chain, staging a much quieter and relentless life of my own. oh well, that answers your question if you're wondering why there's only 1 post so far for this month. I'm not disappointed though. at least i'm learning.

Truth, i'm in a crabby mood today. i personally blame it on the hormones. yes, i went to work on time. yes, i'm busy with work the whole morning which leads to the consequence of filling my stomach with water, because, i accidentally skipped breakfast. but yes, i ate lunch after that. and yeah, i get teary jerky when they treat me kindly, which happens all the time. and yes, my mum kinda told me some random story which i don't want to hear, for which makes my whole crabby day crabbier. Great! And, did i mention that i am a crab? No, not the Cancerian part, i mean the way i deal with problems and issues. slightly out of the point, i have no idea why i put these two synonym words together but anyway back to the point, i had just, somehow, dodge the main topic just like that.

but honestly, i believe that you totally don't understand the above paragraph don't you? alright, these are nags. nobody likes nagging or being nag or whatever. therefore, i'll resist the joy of nagging. for now, let's just look at the big picture will you?

yes, i literally meant a big picture in case you're wondering :)

Anyway. i was listening to the radio today when i was stuck in the jam and i heard this DJ saying everybody is born to be alone and there's no such thing as lonely because loneliness is what you're adapted to. (phew long sentence) Everything suddenly make sense. like somebody snap their fingers beside your ear and a light bulb pops out on your head and it glow, and glow and glow. maybe from now on, i should start getting used to being alone. i should start having lunch alone on a big round table. i would keep quiet the whole day, trying to be oblivion. i should not wait for my sister to accompany into the bedroom anymore. hmm, i would do all that.

yeah, i'll probably do that one day, on the day i finally don't bother about people's thought and impression on me. yet all those, they're only 'maybe'. maybe i'll never change after all. i'll still be the awkward girl who has nothing to say in a crowd.(a crowd of adult and i don't consider myself as an adult) maybe i'm really control by the hormones right now. in fact, i'm grabbing my hair and examining them with limiting light source from the lappie screen just a few minutes ago. Imagine what Cruella de Ville do in her house when she's alone... okay, i can't imagine that too, who's she anyway? sorry, she randomly run into my mind. But, you get my point don't you...

I am not sure about what i'm doing soon is right or wrong. day by day, i'm getting more doubtful about the decisions i made. whether i can come out with a full degree. whether i can bear with the 'freedom' given. whether i can be what people expect me to be. whether i can retain myself from losing my focus there. whether i'll have a boyfriend one day. maybe not. whether i can cope with the tough road i'd chosen. Whether i can embrace myself, because i've lose part of it by choosing this road. Whether am i meant for logic after all? But one thing is for sure, i'm going to make all these work. with hard work.

Don’t listen to me I’m being paranoid. I hope i remember what i said whenever i'm doubtful again... I 'll try.

Well, apparently i've been living a VERY pointless and aimless lifestyle for a while now. In fact, i'm practically drifting away like a speck of dust, so insignificant that the world wouldn't even notice when i'm gone. shrug. oh, sorry for using such unflattering words, just saying. i guess the reason i'm so worked up is because i'm still wandering around like an idiot, not doing anything with my life. it's like i've press the pause button and my life freezes on this scene where i'm stuck on this clueless crossroad ever since the big blow. this is where i am now. indecisive and timid. it makes me feel vulnerable and disturbed. all. the. time. horrible thoughts keep swelling my mind, choking me with their taunting 'what if' till i'm so beaten up and stop struggling or denying or running away. i may be smiling on the outside, but actually, i'm just as sensitive as a cancerian should be.
Do you get what i mean? it's meant to be confusing pointless anyway. so never mind.


okay fine, i admit: i'm just trying to bring out the cancerian thingy 'cause it looks so cool up there. but it's not like i'm not ripping my heart out for you to see via a microscope or anything. anyway. just shhhhhhhush. let it be pointless if it is, to you.

Alright. i'll proceed if you may, though, i'm not really asking for your permission or whatsoever.

It's kinda scary how the time passes just like that. Not long ago, i was just starting to look for a job but to no avail and boom, now i'm left with a month to work if, supposedly, i get a job. it's just like how i change my taste so drastically in 3 months time. 3 months ago i find the phrase 'you belong to me' so romantic and mellow, but now i find it egocentric and inconsiderate and it should be 'you belong with me'. not much difference and not that it matters cause this is supposed to be pointless to you.

i've been back to books and psp lately. i can stay up all night just to finish a book or play the psp till its out of batteries. Maybe this is a good sign for being able to let go of my worries, my ego, my disappointment, my expectations, my melancholic me; i don't know. i no longer feel anything clear. i made myself to believe in this temporary facade that soon, will fade away.

gahhh i seriously need commitment, somebody please shoot me. i'm beyond making sense now. but the funny thing is, sometimes, i DO make sense. duh.

*Track playing: Wish You Were Here, Avril Lavigne
  Current book: Lithium, Lauren Oliver
  Thought: this is bullshit.
  Current stress: 
   over-outing brings overflow of 'out-come' as opposed to 'income'.
   Shout out: thank you bullshit but i ain't no cow.

Note:
I do not expect you to understand the following. It's something more for myself. It is a piece of hmm..metaphoric story that made me stayed up half a night to pour out whats been in my mind. today, i mean yesterday was rough. Let's just say thing aren't going according to plans anymore. It's chaos right now. No, no lectures from my lovely parents, they only expressed their ceaseless support and faith in me, to whom i'd let them down. No, i did not slack. it may sound unconvincing but i really really really put in all my effort this time.

Sigh. i guess i reaally messed up. So, like i was saying, the FICTION below is just a hunch. Don't take this over seriously, ok? It's just to let you know.

 sorry. i just can't get over it so fast although i tried to. Don't worry, i'm alright :)


**************

Once upon a time, there existed an old kingdom in a realm where peace and order rules. The kingdom was rich and the people lived contently under the guide of the wise king and the amiable queen. However, the king locked up a little girl in the castle ever since she was born for fear that she might get hurt. Thus, the little girl was restricted to stay in the castle compound only. The castle fence outside her chamber was 9 inches tall. The chamber was guarded day and night. The guards would follow her around everyday... The castle was the only place she knew of, but she was happy with her own little world. She sang to the plants in the garden at day and danced to the dolls in her chamber at night. She thought that was where she belong back then.

Nothing last forever. The simple and innocent life did not.

The little girl grew up day by day and she thirst for more. Finally the king gave her what she thought she always wanted; a choice for her future. And so, the girl drafted her grand dream of life in excitement. But, before she could solidify her dream, she needs to pass a few tests to prove herself. The test of self-discipline. Of hard work. Of patience. The girl took the challenge, seeing it as a doorway to her dream. The king stood back while the queen watched at her princess wearily.

Years passed.

The girl has grown to become a veteran in the unending tests. She may not be the best among others, but she was definitely above-average. Or at least she thought. Influences came. Slowly, she lost herself along the endless path towards her dream. She became what she once despised to be. She continue to forge ahead, ignoring the warnings and hints from her surrounding; she had everything under control. She was sure that the effort she invested in was still the same as before. This she was absolutely certain. Yet one day, disaster fell upon her. The outcome which she dreaded the most.

It was unbelievable. And unconvincing. But it had became a fact. She should have known.

The girl was devastated. She shut her eyes in hope that perhaps, perhaps this could shut the world out or perhaps, perhaps she would wake up in any moment soon. Nothing happened. She was still standing shakily in cold darkness across the crowd and the disaster; this couldn't be happening, could it? The cold wind cruelly penetrated into her bare wobbly legs. In an instance, strength ran out from her legs and she fell on her knees, hands clapped over her mouth to stop her whimpering. The crowd in the square was cheering for the victorious. Confetti was all over the place. For now, it was all over. Some smirked under their cool. Some shrugged their shoulder with a disengaged look. Some were trying to hide their quiet joy. But all these were visible to the sensitive girl under the sycamore tree. She held on to her blue dress tightly like a shipwrecked man holding on to a piece of log in the sea. Her eyes spoke of regret, disappointment, shame and confusion. I guess I'm not meant for this path after all. Where would I go from here?

Her walls crumbled to dust. Where is she going from here? This is a nightmare. When would all this end? All that she know is she don't know how to be something she's not anymore. Who is she? She never imagine it'll end like this. Not like this.

Just then a stunning woman stepped out and started to sing a song.
what you're gonna do when the show is over?
what you're gonna sing when the song ends?
how you'Re gonna copE when there iS no closure?
where yoU're gonna reach when the goaL geTs higher?
how you're gonna make It through?
when you think you loSt the chance...

Play on when yOu're losing the game.
play on 'cause you're gOnna make mistakes.
it's always worth to sacrifice,
even when you think you're wRong.
so play on.
(Carrie Underwood's Play On)

The song hits a chord in the girl's heart. A spark flickered in the girl's eyes; this was the spirit she had been wearing in her sleeves since a long long time ago. But she forgot. Trails of tears were running down her face; she understood now. She cried silently as she walked back to her chamber, full of thoughts. The king and queen were walking down the aisle. Acknowledging that,  she quickly wiped away her tears, hoping vainly that her eyes won't be swollen so that she would not startled her parents. She did not want them to comfort her; no. She clenched her fist. This would only make things worse. She knew they would not bash her with painful words; they will not. But she was not ready to face them. She was a let down. A failure. Just let her fade away into nonexistence. The wolves howled in unison far away. The girl angled her face down and let her hair veiled her face away from the king and queen's concerned gaze. The castle light trembled and faded in a blink. The moonlight illuminated the girl's pale face.

The king and queen hug her instead. They did not spoke a word. Tears welled up again. That night, the king saved her and the queen kept her together.

When the morning light came streaming in, The girl got up and disappeared. The ship bearing her dream sailed out of sight in correspond. She hopes the sun shine and it is a beautiful day.


**************

• finish all my covered-with-dust-anime under my table
• read novels which i bought ages ago
• do something with my mess
• try new things
• get obsessed with online games (doing that right now)
• produce the craft project that i'd started half-way since i-dunno-when
• change my wardrobe (my kindy's T is still there)
• have my preplanned drama marathon, yay!
• socialize
  

• apply for further studies thingy

 i'm terrified. in this never ending cross-road.
i don't wanna grow up, and just stay this simple.
Let it be. 


i'm sorry this doesn't make sense.

偏食                   Partial Eclipse  

Honestly, I really don't know what hit me. I'm not that down, am I?

No waaaay... uh-uh~