I'm not inspired. I've been recycling in this endless mundane chain, staging a much quieter and relentless life of my own. oh well, that answers your question if you're wondering why there's only 1 post so far for this month. I'm not disappointed though. at least i'm learning.

Truth, i'm in a crabby mood today. i personally blame it on the hormones. yes, i went to work on time. yes, i'm busy with work the whole morning which leads to the consequence of filling my stomach with water, because, i accidentally skipped breakfast. but yes, i ate lunch after that. and yeah, i get teary jerky when they treat me kindly, which happens all the time. and yes, my mum kinda told me some random story which i don't want to hear, for which makes my whole crabby day crabbier. Great! And, did i mention that i am a crab? No, not the Cancerian part, i mean the way i deal with problems and issues. slightly out of the point, i have no idea why i put these two synonym words together but anyway back to the point, i had just, somehow, dodge the main topic just like that.

but honestly, i believe that you totally don't understand the above paragraph don't you? alright, these are nags. nobody likes nagging or being nag or whatever. therefore, i'll resist the joy of nagging. for now, let's just look at the big picture will you?

yes, i literally meant a big picture in case you're wondering :)

Anyway. i was listening to the radio today when i was stuck in the jam and i heard this DJ saying everybody is born to be alone and there's no such thing as lonely because loneliness is what you're adapted to. (phew long sentence) Everything suddenly make sense. like somebody snap their fingers beside your ear and a light bulb pops out on your head and it glow, and glow and glow. maybe from now on, i should start getting used to being alone. i should start having lunch alone on a big round table. i would keep quiet the whole day, trying to be oblivion. i should not wait for my sister to accompany into the bedroom anymore. hmm, i would do all that.

yeah, i'll probably do that one day, on the day i finally don't bother about people's thought and impression on me. yet all those, they're only 'maybe'. maybe i'll never change after all. i'll still be the awkward girl who has nothing to say in a crowd.(a crowd of adult and i don't consider myself as an adult) maybe i'm really control by the hormones right now. in fact, i'm grabbing my hair and examining them with limiting light source from the lappie screen just a few minutes ago. Imagine what Cruella de Ville do in her house when she's alone... okay, i can't imagine that too, who's she anyway? sorry, she randomly run into my mind. But, you get my point don't you...

I am not sure about what i'm doing soon is right or wrong. day by day, i'm getting more doubtful about the decisions i made. whether i can come out with a full degree. whether i can bear with the 'freedom' given. whether i can be what people expect me to be. whether i can retain myself from losing my focus there. whether i'll have a boyfriend one day. maybe not. whether i can cope with the tough road i'd chosen. Whether i can embrace myself, because i've lose part of it by choosing this road. Whether am i meant for logic after all? But one thing is for sure, i'm going to make all these work. with hard work.

Don’t listen to me I’m being paranoid. I hope i remember what i said whenever i'm doubtful again... I 'll try.