ok, i need to type fast before this sweet and adorable laptop keyboard dies on me again. please be good for this 15 mins okay?

It's true about how blogging can turn into a commitment. i've been pretty  'uninspired' this month, it's like blogging has become an errand which i'll end up avoiding from it. every night i'll tell myself: "i'll update my blog tomorrow." and i guess you have figured out what happen to those endless tomorrows. pshhhhh. but look at the bright side, at least i have countless of drafts in my list that shows my dedication and commitment to it though i seriously doubt these draft will ever see the sunlight.... no questions.

anyway.

so, i'm finishing my job soon and that'll leave me with less than 2 weeks time to really really spend some quality time with family and friends. though i haven't officially resign from my post yet, well, i'm already looking forward to the endless fun, chit chat and pre-birthday celebration and more, all squeeze into a 2 weeks tight schedule. not that i'm complaining, i just wish i have more time. i'll miss waking up at 8.05am on every weekdays, oh and processing numbers and codes in the office besides counting down to 5pm. i'll miss them and them.

ahem, ok i'll just leave my speech to Thursday. you see, they expect me to write a thank you / farewell email, so this is round 1.  i'll come up with a more formal one soon. i hope. fingers crossed.

oh, i bought another unnecessary book again. and this, will be added into my stack of reading pile, which will be left at home when i fly away. gahhhh, i just can't control myself. i know i can't bring all my books there, but the temptation of buying it is just too high. i'm innocent ok. i even thought about reading books on pdf but the idea put me off. i tried reading the Shopaholic series years ago on pdf and it's quite a strain. i'll much prefer flipping the pages than scrolling down. but, this only applies to english novels. strangely i'm ok with chinese novels. i mean i can stand reading them on the computer without giving up midway. no i'm not hypocrite. i'm just being normal. i bet people who reads chinese novels on the computer agree with me from their bottom of my heart. umm, right?

out of the point, i have blah untill...what? like the 5th paragraph and i still dunno what should i name this post. yeah, i usually finish my post with the title. and i seriously wanna stop now but i still can't put a suitable title :(

did i mention my sister kept playing Mistake (by SNSD) on the computer and i just can't focus but sing along for the past 15 mins? Argghghhhh, fine, i'm done. let's just label it rants, shall we.

it's not even a question. 

I'm not inspired. I've been recycling in this endless mundane chain, staging a much quieter and relentless life of my own. oh well, that answers your question if you're wondering why there's only 1 post so far for this month. I'm not disappointed though. at least i'm learning.

Truth, i'm in a crabby mood today. i personally blame it on the hormones. yes, i went to work on time. yes, i'm busy with work the whole morning which leads to the consequence of filling my stomach with water, because, i accidentally skipped breakfast. but yes, i ate lunch after that. and yeah, i get teary jerky when they treat me kindly, which happens all the time. and yes, my mum kinda told me some random story which i don't want to hear, for which makes my whole crabby day crabbier. Great! And, did i mention that i am a crab? No, not the Cancerian part, i mean the way i deal with problems and issues. slightly out of the point, i have no idea why i put these two synonym words together but anyway back to the point, i had just, somehow, dodge the main topic just like that.

but honestly, i believe that you totally don't understand the above paragraph don't you? alright, these are nags. nobody likes nagging or being nag or whatever. therefore, i'll resist the joy of nagging. for now, let's just look at the big picture will you?

yes, i literally meant a big picture in case you're wondering :)

Anyway. i was listening to the radio today when i was stuck in the jam and i heard this DJ saying everybody is born to be alone and there's no such thing as lonely because loneliness is what you're adapted to. (phew long sentence) Everything suddenly make sense. like somebody snap their fingers beside your ear and a light bulb pops out on your head and it glow, and glow and glow. maybe from now on, i should start getting used to being alone. i should start having lunch alone on a big round table. i would keep quiet the whole day, trying to be oblivion. i should not wait for my sister to accompany into the bedroom anymore. hmm, i would do all that.

yeah, i'll probably do that one day, on the day i finally don't bother about people's thought and impression on me. yet all those, they're only 'maybe'. maybe i'll never change after all. i'll still be the awkward girl who has nothing to say in a crowd.(a crowd of adult and i don't consider myself as an adult) maybe i'm really control by the hormones right now. in fact, i'm grabbing my hair and examining them with limiting light source from the lappie screen just a few minutes ago. Imagine what Cruella de Ville do in her house when she's alone... okay, i can't imagine that too, who's she anyway? sorry, she randomly run into my mind. But, you get my point don't you...

I am not sure about what i'm doing soon is right or wrong. day by day, i'm getting more doubtful about the decisions i made. whether i can come out with a full degree. whether i can bear with the 'freedom' given. whether i can be what people expect me to be. whether i can retain myself from losing my focus there. whether i'll have a boyfriend one day. maybe not. whether i can cope with the tough road i'd chosen. Whether i can embrace myself, because i've lose part of it by choosing this road. Whether am i meant for logic after all? But one thing is for sure, i'm going to make all these work. with hard work.

Don’t listen to me I’m being paranoid. I hope i remember what i said whenever i'm doubtful again... I 'll try.

my neck as expected, sores. my back bends in an unimaginable way, which is bad. and, i'm typing in the speed of light, which you know (i know), is pretty much exaggerating. ;)

okay, here's a list that i believe you should not waste time with.

1. you're not supposed to complain about the following content.
2. ok, so, i'm squeezing things to write here though i seriously have nothing to write about.
3. Which means, life is pretty boring right now.
4. Work, work, online, games! all couch potato related. grrrrrr...
5. Currently indulging in The Sims 2 and Civilization. Again.
6. there's plenty of stuff and movie i wanna buy/watch but i have no companion. Eeeeeee!
7. i'm driving along the coast everyday, i realize that the tide is so high nowadays. 
8. I think i'd gain weight and i think it's not something to hoorah about.
9. i should eat more fruit and fibre. i don't want to go through that anymore. Ouch.
10. i read comics. and it's not geeky or childish or whatever.
11. i've been MIA since last month. sorry if you're waiting for me. somewhere. somehow.
12. i'm not a genius. i'm not smart. i don't have a real talent. all this while i'm just working my way through.
13. i am obsessed in catching scenes in daily life right now. they call it lomo. i call it random. duhhhhhh.
14. the awkward feeling when your dad is marking your friend's paper. weird.
15. i speak fluent chinese, in fact i read chinese novel every night. and i'm a member in a chinese forum too. (bragging!)
16. fyi, i use English here because, well, this is basically a medium for me to use this language, if not, i believe it'll give up on me soon enough.
17. oh, i'm typing all these in my office. and in the mean time hiding what i'm doing from sharp eyes.
18. so with that begs the question:

The sun was descending. I can feel its warmth and brilliant brightness seeping away slowly. My fingers were icy cold, but my face was heating into a deep red down to my neck. I stared at the sun with my bare eyes until it hurts and looked away. Like how I always let my thoughts and imagination go wild until I cannot bear it any longer and try to shut it away. But it is a Pandora Box after all. It always been.




I've been extremely excited when I first got my job about a month ago. But that's before everything goes hay-wired. Right before I realized something that was not meant to happen at all. I look around and suddenly, every thing seems out of place, out of order, and out of control. I messed up. But the worst part was I cannot mend it up myself. All I can do is sit and dread for the worst.


A week passed and everything was solved in a day. Like passing clouds. Though people has seem to forget about this whole thing, I no longer feel the excitement I usually had. I am afraid of commitment, to it. I just want to cuddle back under my blanket and continue to sleep in the cold morning. I miss hanging out with friends, talking nonsense, laughing, screaming, singing, and even doing stupid things in the public. I miss staying at home, playing, singing, dancing around alone, lying down in safe territory and away from the war zone. I miss studying.


It’s not all sunshine and rainbows here, but it isn’t storm and thunder either. It's about plain bleakness. About how your monster caught up to you and give you a big blow whenever you're tying to stand back up. About how you should be extra careful in Wonderland and the fact that Mad Hatter does not exist. It's all up to you in this battle with the monster. I know.


In the real world, you only have a pair of worn-out shoes to keep your feet going and if you tripped, you'll be welcomed by the cold hard floor. I thought i have what it takes in this tough crowd. Yet, I lost my balance and fell on the side road. Looking back, everything looks easier in the lunch-box days where there's always a bigger bed to crawl into whenever you screwed up. Or whenever you want to hide and run.

now i feel like a pervert. right, that means time to sleep since i need to wake up at 7.15am tomorrow. grunt. imagine all the overtime and full schedules on weekends. just imagine that and i'm already tired. tell me why i need to work again? hmph.
//
 i'm typing with my eyes close now. see you. i mean, of course i can't see you.