1.   You are reading my blog.

Well, apparently i've been living a VERY pointless and aimless lifestyle for a while now. In fact, i'm practically drifting away like a speck of dust, so insignificant that the world wouldn't even notice when i'm gone. shrug. oh, sorry for using such unflattering words, just saying. i guess the reason i'm so worked up is because i'm still wandering around like an idiot, not doing anything with my life. it's like i've press the pause button and my life freezes on this scene where i'm stuck on this clueless crossroad ever since the big blow. this is where i am now. indecisive and timid. it makes me feel vulnerable and disturbed. all. the. time. horrible thoughts keep swelling my mind, choking me with their taunting 'what if' till i'm so beaten up and stop struggling or denying or running away. i may be smiling on the outside, but actually, i'm just as sensitive as a cancerian should be.
Do you get what i mean? it's meant to be confusing pointless anyway. so never mind.


okay fine, i admit: i'm just trying to bring out the cancerian thingy 'cause it looks so cool up there. but it's not like i'm not ripping my heart out for you to see via a microscope or anything. anyway. just shhhhhhhush. let it be pointless if it is, to you.

Alright. i'll proceed if you may, though, i'm not really asking for your permission or whatsoever.

It's kinda scary how the time passes just like that. Not long ago, i was just starting to look for a job but to no avail and boom, now i'm left with a month to work if, supposedly, i get a job. it's just like how i change my taste so drastically in 3 months time. 3 months ago i find the phrase 'you belong to me' so romantic and mellow, but now i find it egocentric and inconsiderate and it should be 'you belong with me'. not much difference and not that it matters cause this is supposed to be pointless to you.

i've been back to books and psp lately. i can stay up all night just to finish a book or play the psp till its out of batteries. Maybe this is a good sign for being able to let go of my worries, my ego, my disappointment, my expectations, my melancholic me; i don't know. i no longer feel anything clear. i made myself to believe in this temporary facade that soon, will fade away.

gahhh i seriously need commitment, somebody please shoot me. i'm beyond making sense now. but the funny thing is, sometimes, i DO make sense. duh.

*Track playing: Wish You Were Here, Avril Lavigne
  Current book: Lithium, Lauren Oliver
  Thought: this is bullshit.
  Current stress: 
   over-outing brings overflow of 'out-come' as opposed to 'income'.
   Shout out: thank you bullshit but i ain't no cow.

and just in case you're wondering why am i so free, for which i intentionally bold the sentence on the 1st line on top, the reasons are:
1.  everybody is busy with school.
2. grads like me are starting their new semester, though i'm still on the same spot.
3. i haven't start hunting job yet. in process. soon.
4. i'm jobless.

ok, i can't think of anything else right now, so that's it for my essay of reasons. sorry, i just can't help it.

since i've mentioned half, might as well spill everything out. so, i'll sacrifice a little and share what i do at home. here's my edited edition of virtual daily journal, for which it doesn't comes in a journal format at all.

Any Weekdays, pick one
1200 - wake up, change, and sit in front of the computer/tv.
1400 - sis and dad come back from school, have oat meal brunch (because they forget to 'tapao' for me).
1430 - sit in front of the computer/tv.
1800 - helping in the kitchen.
1930 - dinner then sit in front of computer/tv.
2200 - lying on top of the bed, in front of laptop.
unknown - time varies. go to sleep.

interesting right? i know.

okay, so i'm officially leaving behind the dark and MATURE aura that had been lurking around since the last 2 posts. of course this is not normal at all. but i just can't help it at that time. anyway, i just realized that some of you are like, suddenly very worry about me, which made me worry along too. puhlease, again, i'm alright. still breathing and smiling. and very touched.


confessions that make you feel agreeable with me instantly.
did you realize how often i use 'so' sooooo much that it hurts not to start a sentence with 'so'?
oh and also the word 'anyway'. and 'ok/okay'.
and the word 'i know'. and 'and'.
and, how annoying it is for me to NOT use caps when i am starting a sentence.
and, how indigestible most of the contents are.
and not forgetting the way they don't carry sense all the time.

Sorry, i just can't help it.


so here's a new fact i've discovered. hoorah!
i'm a prodigy in delaying and avoiding some particular subjects.
who says i'm not sensitive?!
fine, they are unrelated at all. Just saying.

anyway, i've been wanting to intro this amazing author since i'm so helpless over her enchanting story thanks to Monday ;)
jeng jeng jeng jeng!
Sarah Beth Durst, author of Ice.
i think the following is the-so-called book review.
ok, i admit i'm a cover judge but hey, the story inside does give the cover justice after all. Though, i find the story quite extraordinary. Like, the protagonist, Cassie is 18 year old and pregnant because of the Polar Bear King. And the fact that she can travel from north to the world end in order to save her husband aka Polar Bear King when she is pregnant. A young woman marries a talking bear to be precise. (of course i'm not complaining am i? sorry i just can't help it.) beside all these, i'll say the book is simply magical and breathtaking. Sarah Beth Durst did a great job. She captures the scenes and characters vividly such that i thought i've been there. This may be her 1st book i read but i know there will be more because i just can't help but fall in love with her brilliant adventures. thumbs up!

btw, the moon is so beautiful tonight. it's a full moon. suddenly i just feel like singing though, my sis is snoring beside my bed. but, sorry, i just can't help it.

good night. of course i didn't sing at 2.15am.
this is silly. did i mention that i just can't help it?

Tell you what, i was stalked earlier this day. i thought i was over-sensitive back then. But, NO. This is sooo darn real that i wish i was over-reacting. i thought it only happens in movies and novels. darn.


Okay, it all started in a bookstore of a mall near my house. i was as usual, trying to waste time by browsing the new release books and at the same time fighting the urge to not buy or read a book instantly. It was really frustrating, really. after all, i don't have ang pau money to spend this year. and my sis was giving me 'that face'. Anyway, that's not the point. *The story begins here.* When i was busy paying attention on books, my 15 year old sis was busy observing people around. thank gahhhd she has this habit. That's when she realized an indian man in his mid thirties who was wearing black sun glass,black shirt, black pants, black skin and big tummy was staring at us intently. okay or maybe just her. anyway. my sis said his stare made her felt uncomfortable. the man played with his phone or turned around to cover up whenever she looked at him. he was like, stalking her.

at that time, my sis was still unsure about this whole thing. come on, she could be wrong right? and, at the same time, i, whom was still oblivious to this whole drama was moving to the YA section. my sis tagged along numbly and, she was right! the man followed us by staying about six feet away. she was terrified, she said. (honestly i won't even know if she doesn't tell me after that) she quietly told me about him. i laughed it off but my alarm was set to full course. i reluctantly told her my plan, which was quite stupid thinking back now. we walked to the romance section and stayed, hoping that he would just go away . the man followed. he even picked up the book and pretended to read. wtfuuu. believe me, you can tell he's not reading because he's looking at us from the book covering his face. and every time i stared at him, he looked at the book. wtfuuuu. it was so obvious! so finally, it's my turn to be terrified. and annoyed. my hands were freezing cold. we purposely stayed in the store for awhile. the man was still with us. in the romance section.
///

Now, we can confirm that he's indeed a stalker. i shall name him 'stalker' from now onwards.


///
of course we can't stay like that forever. the stalker was still 'reading' his romance novel. he's not leaving us alone. by then, we were more irritated than scared. so, we left the bookstore and headed to the escalator. i turned around once i was on it. there he was. the stalker 'strolled' down the escalator watching at us with that look. that look which makes me wanna slap at him reaaal hard. This time, i stared back at him furiously though i'm trembling inside, making it very frank to him. the stalker avoided my stare and took out his phone to 'call'. wtfuuuu. he has been 'calling' so much for the last 10 mins that i thought he was a lousy stalker, i mean, he don't even know how to disguise properly. not that i'm complaining.

so, back to the escalator. In that short 10 seconds, i glared at the stalker with what-i-think-must-be-an-antagonizing-stare. his eyes darted around uneasily. his phone trick was over. at ground floor, there's a property exhibition going on. i deliberately leaded my sis towards there. we stopped and together, we crossed our arms in front of our chest and glared at him. well, by then the stalker went inside the exhibition and was looking around for us. when he finally saw us, he looked away. and looked back at us hesitantly. HA HA. we caught him off guard. he quickly realized that we know he's stalking us after he saw us glaring at him together. he moved. we followed alertly. seriously, we were so fierce that i thought i saw him digging out tissue and wiping sweat away. HA HA, serves you right.

the stalker stopped. he put the phone on his ear again and looked at us. he's scared. we were still in the crowd. we continue to walk on in what-i-call-a-speedy-pace and at the same time we glared at him until he was out of sight. we kept turning our heads around to make sure he's not following us anymore. after that, we stayed in the mall for awhile with our guards up 'cause we don't want him tagging us to the parking lot. he was no where in sight ever since.

well we are now finally, in safe territory. in fact, i can hear the fireworks outside my window. and that reminds me, Happy CNY people. thinking back now, if people are stalking me, they must be coming for the money only.
as for that asset? Naaahhhh~

a little advice, if you're stalked, make him know you're not unnerve. and make sure to let him know that you know he's stalking you. they'll back out. well, at least for my case.

i know you won't take this seriously. But i'm very serious about this. take care :)

Note:
I do not expect you to understand the following. It's something more for myself. It is a piece of hmm..metaphoric story that made me stayed up half a night to pour out whats been in my mind. today, i mean yesterday was rough. Let's just say thing aren't going according to plans anymore. It's chaos right now. No, no lectures from my lovely parents, they only expressed their ceaseless support and faith in me, to whom i'd let them down. No, i did not slack. it may sound unconvincing but i really really really put in all my effort this time.

Sigh. i guess i reaally messed up. So, like i was saying, the FICTION below is just a hunch. Don't take this over seriously, ok? It's just to let you know.

 sorry. i just can't get over it so fast although i tried to. Don't worry, i'm alright :)


**************

Once upon a time, there existed an old kingdom in a realm where peace and order rules. The kingdom was rich and the people lived contently under the guide of the wise king and the amiable queen. However, the king locked up a little girl in the castle ever since she was born for fear that she might get hurt. Thus, the little girl was restricted to stay in the castle compound only. The castle fence outside her chamber was 9 inches tall. The chamber was guarded day and night. The guards would follow her around everyday... The castle was the only place she knew of, but she was happy with her own little world. She sang to the plants in the garden at day and danced to the dolls in her chamber at night. She thought that was where she belong back then.

Nothing last forever. The simple and innocent life did not.

The little girl grew up day by day and she thirst for more. Finally the king gave her what she thought she always wanted; a choice for her future. And so, the girl drafted her grand dream of life in excitement. But, before she could solidify her dream, she needs to pass a few tests to prove herself. The test of self-discipline. Of hard work. Of patience. The girl took the challenge, seeing it as a doorway to her dream. The king stood back while the queen watched at her princess wearily.

Years passed.

The girl has grown to become a veteran in the unending tests. She may not be the best among others, but she was definitely above-average. Or at least she thought. Influences came. Slowly, she lost herself along the endless path towards her dream. She became what she once despised to be. She continue to forge ahead, ignoring the warnings and hints from her surrounding; she had everything under control. She was sure that the effort she invested in was still the same as before. This she was absolutely certain. Yet one day, disaster fell upon her. The outcome which she dreaded the most.

It was unbelievable. And unconvincing. But it had became a fact. She should have known.

The girl was devastated. She shut her eyes in hope that perhaps, perhaps this could shut the world out or perhaps, perhaps she would wake up in any moment soon. Nothing happened. She was still standing shakily in cold darkness across the crowd and the disaster; this couldn't be happening, could it? The cold wind cruelly penetrated into her bare wobbly legs. In an instance, strength ran out from her legs and she fell on her knees, hands clapped over her mouth to stop her whimpering. The crowd in the square was cheering for the victorious. Confetti was all over the place. For now, it was all over. Some smirked under their cool. Some shrugged their shoulder with a disengaged look. Some were trying to hide their quiet joy. But all these were visible to the sensitive girl under the sycamore tree. She held on to her blue dress tightly like a shipwrecked man holding on to a piece of log in the sea. Her eyes spoke of regret, disappointment, shame and confusion. I guess I'm not meant for this path after all. Where would I go from here?

Her walls crumbled to dust. Where is she going from here? This is a nightmare. When would all this end? All that she know is she don't know how to be something she's not anymore. Who is she? She never imagine it'll end like this. Not like this.

Just then a stunning woman stepped out and started to sing a song.
what you're gonna do when the show is over?
what you're gonna sing when the song ends?
how you'Re gonna copE when there iS no closure?
where yoU're gonna reach when the goaL geTs higher?
how you're gonna make It through?
when you think you loSt the chance...

Play on when yOu're losing the game.
play on 'cause you're gOnna make mistakes.
it's always worth to sacrifice,
even when you think you're wRong.
so play on.
(Carrie Underwood's Play On)

The song hits a chord in the girl's heart. A spark flickered in the girl's eyes; this was the spirit she had been wearing in her sleeves since a long long time ago. But she forgot. Trails of tears were running down her face; she understood now. She cried silently as she walked back to her chamber, full of thoughts. The king and queen were walking down the aisle. Acknowledging that,  she quickly wiped away her tears, hoping vainly that her eyes won't be swollen so that she would not startled her parents. She did not want them to comfort her; no. She clenched her fist. This would only make things worse. She knew they would not bash her with painful words; they will not. But she was not ready to face them. She was a let down. A failure. Just let her fade away into nonexistence. The wolves howled in unison far away. The girl angled her face down and let her hair veiled her face away from the king and queen's concerned gaze. The castle light trembled and faded in a blink. The moonlight illuminated the girl's pale face.

The king and queen hug her instead. They did not spoke a word. Tears welled up again. That night, the king saved her and the queen kept her together.

When the morning light came streaming in, The girl got up and disappeared. The ship bearing her dream sailed out of sight in correspond. She hopes the sun shine and it is a beautiful day.


**************

1.  T.H.E Alarm
2. a call early in the morning (as in 11:14am this morning)
3.  and sometimes the dream would just drift away from the main plot and become something hilarious. Then i'll wake up. No i'm not going to share.

this guy here, Mr Lee Joon from MBLAQ, he likes flashing his abs so i'm just doing him a big favour. Seriously. *cringe*


Told you i'm random.