I rarely open up. I don't pour words or speeches when people approaches me kindly and simply asks: "How are you?" In fact this question will likely get a "fine" or "good" from me and i promise you this, i don't really mean it. I just don't like to elaborate more if i answered it the other way round. I remember when i hang out with my friends, there's always this gossip-slash-caring-slash-updating-session where we fill in each other with our stories and what we did for the past few months and stuff, i A.L.W.A.Y.S dunno what to share. So at the end i'll ended up sharing my 'beautiful encounter(s)'. Nothing too personal; just enough to fill up their curiosity and my 'report'.

Even when my dad or mum or family calls me, I don't really know what to say. Sure, I'll tell them i'm fine here and after that I don't know what else is there for me to say. Most of the times, if there's nothing unusual happen i'll just keep quiet and wait for them to lead the conversation. And then i'll always be the one who says bye first. There is not much interesting or worth mentioning stuff that happens to me. Define "interesting" ugh. But what i really want to say is, I miss you so much. I wanna go home. I'm not feeling well. I wanna quit study. I wanna be by your side. I'm not ok.

Oh yeah, my family do this thing you see, they'll call me when they're having dinner and put the phone on speaker on the table. And i'll be on another continent, clutching the phone tightly beside my ear and use this cheerful tone that i'm so used to it now and listen. As if i'm there. As if i never left. As if i'm home...

Sometimes, I admire how my roommate can hold her conversation with her mum for 30 minutes and plus. She'll talk about her daily routine(boring), who she met, what she ate(really?), how she feels and even what she learns. And me? it's always within 10 minutes. Period. And it's always my dad who initiates the call. Once they didn't call me one night or something i'll be like Y U NO CALL ME. emo.

Someone once told me that I may look friendly and talkative and such, but i'm always on guard when it comes to intimate subjects. That person told me that no matter how long it took, there's been always a wall in between us. I shrug. This is the truth, this is who i am. I don't share, the end. To me, opening up is like ripping my clothes off and to be naked in front of a crowd. So. If you're lucky, you might caught me doing that one day or once in a red moon. But don't expect too much will you.

For your information, this lengthy essay is the fruit of listening to The Hunger Games: Songs from District 12 and Beyond in loop. Especially when you're a fan of Taylor and you keep replaying her latest track - Eyes Open for uncountable times. And especially when you have a mild sore throat and at the same time feeling weak and defeated. Oh well, great. Not fair.

I guess i'm afraid that if you open up, people might fall in and hurt themselves. Or the other way round. Maybe, everybody's waiting, for you to breakdown; everybody's watching, to see the fallout and even when you're sleeping. Sleeping, you need to keep your eyes open. But, the trick is, are you ready? Am I?